this made me laugh

Today, I received a rather elaborate author marketing plea in my inbox. It made me laugh and laugh. David's book isn't exactly my type (my tastes are tempered towards girly nostalgic like Princess Academy, Penderwicks, Anne of Green Gables, Libby's Blow Out the Moon, etc.) but kudos to him for turning the usual shallow marketing e-mail into a literary masterpiece of humor. If the writing in his book is half as funny as his e-mail, I'll have to give it a shot.

Hello All,

I am happy to announce the official launch of the paperback version of Girls for Breakfast (Laurel Leaf, $5.99), available in stores Tuesday, September 12, 2006! Actually, I’m probably misusing the word ‘launch’--this isn’t so much a launch as it is me, standing on a dock by myself after sunset, smashing a half-empty bottle of Two Buck Chuck against the side of some stranger’s boat and then running away. As some of you already know, first novels face a difficult road to survival, and this novel in particular faces an even tougher road ahead because it doesn’t bear the current hallmarks of popular YA/adult fiction. This novel isn’t about four friends (which seems to be turning into a rule as of late), there are no wizards in this novel (although there is a fair amount of whizzing), no teen vampires (there is, however, mention of a “lady of the night”), and most unfortunately, this novel doesn’t have the luxury of having been carefully formulated (as opposed to
written) by a team of 40-year-old execs sitting around a mahogany table in some boardroom in Manhattan, brainstorming on a dry erase board about what teen girls like to read. Because of this, the novel depends almost solely on word-of-mouth in order to find an audience, which is why I am writing you today. If you are receiving this email, it means that I truly consider you one of the following:

-a dear, dear friend
-someone I secretly admire from afar
-rich

What I’m talking about is the very livelihood of a little book that touched your hearts last year, each and every one of you. Do you remember her? Try to picture the paperback version of this novel as a little child, in a war-torn country, and she needs just $5.99 to survive another week in the refugee camp. And maybe, just maybe, if you buy not one but, say, four copies of the paperback, it’ll guarantee that she lives to see a, er, second printing. That’s what is at stake here. This isn’t about me, anymore, is what I’m saying. This is about the book. And what this little girl, er, book, needs right now is your support, and so I ask that you help me spread word of its existence.

Right now, in fact. This’ll only take a moment. I want you to get up now. I want all of you to get up out of your computer chairs. I want you to get up right now and go to the window, open it, and stick your head out and yell, “I'm as mad as hell, and I'm not going to take this anymore!! People of (name of your city), go out and buy a paperback copy of David Yoo’s wonderful debut novel, Girls for Breakfast, available in bookstores and online as of September 12, 2006!”

That’s all I ask.

That said, I’m thrilled to inform you that the paperback version is, in all honesty, far superior to the original hardcover, for several reasons. I know what you’re thinking: “Dave, that’s impossible! You’ve always been a liar…” But it’s true, I swear, on my bully from high school’s grave. Here are the 5 main improvements that have been made:

1.) Transportability: Many of you complained last year
that the reason you didn’t buy my novel was you “never buy hardcovers” because they’re so bulky, because they have the ability to maim. To which I replied under my breath, “Well, I don’t like some of my friends because they’re bulky, and I think they should be maimed.” I feel we’ve both grown up a lot in the last year, and I honestly believe we’re past that, and I’m psyched to inform you that, as a mass market paperback, this novel is now back to its birth weight, and shows up to the weigh-in at a svelte 6.8 x 4.3 x 0.8 inches, making it small enough to fit handily in most purses, laptop bags, and if you’re overseas—fanny packs.

2.) Affordability: At the implausibly low price of
$5.99, the paperback version is now officially cheaper then, well, just about everything. Don’t even try to tell me, “But Dave, I don’t have six bucks to blow on a book,” because I’ll immediately reply, “But it’s less then six bucks.” There’s a reason I got kicked out of mock trial by Mr. Czepiel senior year of high
school: when it comes to debating, I can be downright ruthless.

3.) Altruism: I didn’t want to have to mention this,
and frankly, I don’t even know if this is real or fake, but on the off chance that this turns out to be authentic I feel obligated to bring this up: several weeks ago I received an anonymous, scarily credible letter in the mail that stated that if x-amount of paperback copies don’t get sold by a certain date, all the animal shelters in this country will…explode.

4.) Numerology: I don’t know if you believe in this
stuff (I for one make even the most basic decisions, usually involving socks, using numerology) but irregardless, I just ask that you keep an open mind for a moment and consider the following example of what numerologists refer to as ‘digit summing’:

Price of paperback copy of Girls for Breakfast: $5.99 Add up the principles: 5 + 9 + 9 = 23 Subtract 1st principle from total: 23 – 5 = 18 Subtract 2nd principle from revised total: 18 - 9 = 9 Subtract 3rd principle from revised total: 9 - 9 =
Answer: 0
Go ahead, check the math, I haven’t…

5.) Readability: Lastly, and most importantly, the
actual text of the novel has been revised. While the following is commonly known within publishing circles, most gap-toothed laymen don’t realize that pretty much all published novels contain several mistakes. Given the number of times the author and editor rake over the material, let alone the existence of copyeditors (or what people in the industry refer to as
“Godsbane”) you’d think all errors would be found prior to going to print. Incomprehensibly, you’d be dead wrong, and my novel is no exception, but we’ve worked really hard on fixing the text, and I’m proud to say that, as a result, the new paperback version of Girls for Breakfast is cleaner, sleeker, well oiled, and overall just a much better ride then before. Which leads me to the biggest news of all--I am happy to announce the opening of:

The 2006 Girls for Breakfast Paperback Contest!

I’ve noticed in the past year that many authors seem to have contests and various interactive things that they do that readers seem to eat up, so I figured I’d join the fray. I invite you and anyone you know to participate in this inaugural contest. The objective is mind-bogglingly easy: simply find 5 changes that have been made to the text of the paperback version (by comparing the paperback to the hardcover version) and you win! What’ll they win, me? Well, if you correctly find 5 edits that have been made to the text, contact me and you will win:

1.) A signed copy of the paperback version (by the
author himself)
2.) A free year’s membership to the author’s official
fan club, Davey’s Palz!
3.) And while supplies last, this lovely fountain pen:
(picture not available)

This contest will run through December 15, 2006.
Spread the word, this contest is open to just about anyone (see restrictions below) and remember the final words of Pliny, “Ya can’t play if you don’t pay.”

Rules and Regulations:
1.) If you think you are a winner, please send your
answers along with a SASE to the author’s publisher in order to receive a signed copy of the paperback version of Girls for Breakfast. Pending approval, please allow 18-21 weeks for delivery.
2.) Do not taunt happy fun ball.
3.) Employees and any family members of employees at
Random House, as well as its subsidiary, Halliburton, are barred from participating in this contest.
4.) Also barred from participating, people from the
following states: North Dakota.

Girls for Breakfast is finally here today, September 12, 2006, available in stores and at various on-line outlets, as well as mentally, if you’re one of those people. For more info, visit www.girlsforbreakfast.com or www.daveyoo.com . Thank you for your time, and have a great day.

I love you.

Sincerely,
David Yoo

GIRLS FOR BREAKFAST
Delacorte Press/Laurel Leaf Books
Paperback isbn: 0-440-23883-8
2005 Booksense Pick
2005 Reading Rants Top 10 Books for Teens
2006 NYPL Books for the Teen Age
--------------------

David Yoo
Author of
GIRLS FOR BREAKFAST

"This edgy and wickedly hilarious tale..."
-School Library Journal

"Instinctively funny."
-Austin American Statesman

Visit http://www.daveyoo.com or www.girlsforbreakfast.com for more information.